The second wall

If the first wall to sticking to task was vacation, I recently hit a much more serious wall. For the past 5 days I have been feeling so down on myself. I look in the mirror and see nothing but cellulite, and I am shocked at my appearance. I seem to be suffering from some kind of body dysmorphic disorder - I am not sure if that's the right term, but I just can't get over this tunnel vision to my flaws. It is very unlike me, actually. I am usually very balanced in my perceptions of myself as a whole beautiful person. There was one time, when I was about 10 pounds lighter than I am now, where it was the first time when what I saw in the mirror actually matched my mental image of myself. In other words, the way I picture myself in my head, at my ideal, was actually what I was seeing in pictures and in the mirror. That lasted for about a month, before and after which I was about 10 pounds heavier (sometimes up to 40 pounds heavier). Now I am about 10 pounds outside my ideal and it seems like that it not much, something that is just a few stepping stones, nothing to get all bent out of shape about. But it seems so much worse than it ever has. I can't stop looking at my cellulite, my abdomen feels bloated and my outline seems huge. it doesn't make sense, because I have been bigger than I am now and felt beautiful. Which leads me to believe that I am suffering from some kind of low self-esteem or a seriously skewed body image. It is a horrible feeling. I am going to  focus on loving myself for the next few days, and doing some positive reinforcement of myself. This website has been a good start. Today's focus is on Love. LOVE your SELF. Try to love the lenses off your eyes and see yourself as love would see you. If you are like me and you have those two selves at work within you, try to talk the loving one into hugging the sad one.

Day 16

Today we are experiencing a heat wave. A serious heat wave, to where the dew point is at 81 degrees, it's 97 degrees outside right now with an index off 112. It is crazy hot and humid. Of course most of the city is huddled indoors next to their sweating air conditioning ducts or window units or whatever we have access to. And I am right there with them. But I think we should rethink air conditioning a bit. The summer is the ultimate slim-down environment, and we cheat ourselves out of it every year. When you are hot, your appetite is naturally suppressed. Yes, you might crave ice cream or some kind of frozen treat, but your need for actual nutrients seems much less than in the winter, for example, when you have this innate need to put a sweater of fat on under your skin to stay warm. In the summer we take off that sweater. But instead of following this natural order we turn the temp down and trick ourselves into maintaining.
Personally, dreaming of a world without air conditioning makes me want to wake from the nightmare. I am not suggesting that you go completely without cooling of any kind, especially when the heat is actually dangerous, as it is out there right now. But I am suggesting that you can do without using so much freon or whatever heinous chemical we are currently using to artificially cool our surroundings. We can save energy running the thing, and the payoff just might be forcing yourself to wear a tank top and shorts and being more aware of your body and what you are putting into it. Relish the tropical atmosphere instead of artificially living in a bubble, and your body might thank you for it.

Day 15

Yesterday was about prepared meals and the power of control they give us. Today I want to look into aromatherapy. I don't like the idea of accepting hair-brained new-agey ideas out of a delusion of hope/hype, but I do think there is something to aromas helping to curb cravings.
One thing that drives me crazy is the amount of scented things out there that smell like food. Vanilla sugar body spray? Chocolate chip scented candles?  Why would I want to constantly smell like cookies? It is a giant tease for my appetite. What I discovered, though, is that things that aren't actually sweet smell the same as things that are. For example, if you sniff baker's chocolate with absolutely no sweet to it, it smells exactly the same as sugary chocolate. It's interesting that we don't actually smell the sugar, but we associate those aromas with cravings for sugar.
I also think that craving foods is craving an input of some kind - an input that could be substituted. Mostly we try to trick that impulse with another oral fix, like eating celery sticks, chewing gum, smoking, or biting fingernails. But my theory is that an input of aroma would quell the other side of that impulse. When I want an input of food, I am going to input an aroma, and see if that helps control the urge to eat. On my list currently are lavender, sandalwood, cedarwood, tea tree, and bergamot. These are all essential oils I happen to have around from a past project making scented bath salts. Speaking of bergamot (the scent added to make regular tea into Earl Grey) let's think through tea. Often I have tried to quell a craving for food with plain tea or coffee, and it always backfires. Adding anything to my stomach makes my appetite spike through the roof, and I always end up eating something to make my stomach feel normal again. I do think that sniffing tea would work well for the aroma therapy idea, unless you are used to taking a ton of sugar with your tea. I generally drink tea black, and so they don't give me sugar cravings to smell them, but sniffing coffee or walking into a Starbucks is another matter. It's just like walking into a bakery for me, complete with a train wreck of cravings. I also have quite a few perfumes that I rarely use (because everything in my bathroom is scented, at it all starts to clash at some point) and I am going to add them to the arsenal. I have always avoided scented things that smell like food, and so all my perfumes are safe.
In one last effort to make this experiment more effective, I am going to set up a scents bar in my kitchen. Kind of like a spice rack or a toppings bar, but calorie free. I am assuming that giving myself this replacement where I am most likely to go looking for a snack will make it easier to take advantage of the trade. Of course, this might create a reason for me to wander into the kitchen, but if so I will adjust accordingly. Happy sniffs!

Day 14

I have had one of those weekends where every sense of control went right out the window. I volunteered to cater a party, and I spent the entire time sampling and tasting and downright eating the food I was developing. I try to keep my daily foods really simple, and it's only for special occasions that I go all-out with delectable complex creations. Their rarity makes them irresistible. Also, I think the limitations of my personal kitchen made it difficult to make meals. I was cooking party food all day, using up dish after dish, and was not making time or room to make square meals for myself. There was no purposefulness, and no control. I don't really have an answer for that yet. It didn't even feel good to take a break from vigilance; the whole day felt like a betrayal that felt good on a shallow level, but deep down felt gross and shameful. I was so bloated from overeating all day that I couldn't feel good about myself when I was all dressed up to go out to the actual party. This is the neverending fight: in that uncontrolled moment the food seems like it is totally worth it, and at all times outside of the moment the food is never worth it. Learning to overcome that moment when the food actually seems worth it is my number one priority.
There is some kind of rational breakdown where my reason is overcome. I just need to empower my reasonable side in those situations so that the impulsive side of me can't take control.
I am going to look to the combination of prepared meals, and aromatherapy as a way to stay in control. I have such good luck with breakfast by having a quiche made so I can eat what is good for me without having choice come into the picture. I am going to try to do the same thing for lunch. I think I would go crazy if I ate the same thing for dinner every day, but I think I can handle the same lunch.

Day 13

Today I went to a different park than usual for a walk. It was one that I had forgotten about, and it reminded me of a bunch of important motivational tools that I had been forgetting lately.
The one I want to focus on today is the motivational power of public exposure. Ever wonder how famous people find the self discipline to exercise all the time, and maintain their appearance? It's because of the pressure of the public eye. We common everyday shmoes don't have the same pressure of the public eye to motivate us, and I am very glad of that. But we can fake it. I usually strongly prefer to exercise in my home to videos. I am much more comfortable being alone and completely unselfconscious. I noticed today, though, as I was rounding a corner of the park that was on a stretch of a very busy road, how much faster my pace got, and how much my posture was improved. I was feeling the pressure of the gaze! I was walking faster and keeping my form better because of that pressure, and the best part is that pressure is totally free, and easy to get. Get out of your homes! Allow your self-consciousness to work for you and with you, rather than against you!
It is also much healthier to be out and about in the world instead of cooped up alone all the time. There is a line between being exhibitionist (which seems to be spreading like wildfire in my city, and is so off-puting) and being comfortable with taking your place in the world, and enjoying the use of that place. Do your exercises in your home if you must, but make an effort to shake it up regularly, get yourself out into the public eye, and enjoy the feeling of the pressure that it brings you. Use it for good.

Day 12

Here is a practical tip for today: sparking water. Soda is a great evil. Not only is regular soda packed with calories, but diet soda is packed with chemicals. Both of them increase the body's desire for food, and I don't know about you, but every variety gives me a headache. I love Coke Zero. There, I said it. I think Coke Zero is absolutely delicious and every once in a while I indulge. But I used to have a 3 Coke Zero a day habit. That isn't helping anyone. It is wasteful in the amount of cans I am tossing into the recycling every day, and I just don't need that much soda. I used it as kind of a replacement sweet. But I realized that it wasn't really working, and it just makes me want real sweets.
When I was growing up, my parents were pretty strict with our diets. Mom cooked real dinners for us most of the time, and we always ate well-balanced meals. Sugar wasn't encouraged and was even vilified  (a circumstance which everyone suspicions is why I have such a hard time resisting sugar as an adult) and soda wasn't allowed at all. On family movie night we would concoct a "soda" to enjoy with our popcorn that was simply sparkling water mixed with juice. At the time I thought it was nerdy and a poor substitute, but I have grown to much prefer it. Club soda with grape juice is highly satisfying, and so is club soda with orange juice. Those are the classic standards. But, I have lately started experimenting with alternatives, and I have found that sparkling water makes pretty much everything you can drink better! Try pomegranate juice blended with pineapple juice, and splash about a half a cup into a tall cool glass with some ice, some sparkling water, and a sprig of mint. Heaven. Full of vitamins and antioxidants, and good for you.
Juice is rather high in calories, and nobody who is really tightly watching their calories wants to drink calories or points or however you are keeping track. But I don't see anything wrong with treating yourself to something that is as lovely as it is healthy. It is far better for you to drink juice diluted in calorie-free sparkling water than it is to drink a whole glass of juice, and it is just as satisfying.
Another idea is to blend vegetable juice with sparkling water and poor over crushed ice. It is kind of like a Bloody Mary, but obviously nonalcoholic, and less intense. There is nothing that will make you feel more summer-slim than sipping icy cool savory veggies from a tall bubbly glass.
One thing that my family did have that I don't now is a water carbonator. We didn't have to buy cans of sparkling water or club soda, we could make carbonated water with canisters of CO2 and a special bottle. I think I am going to look into investing in one of those, if I can figure out which way of consuming sparkling water has a smaller carbon footprint.

Day 11

Most of the time when we think about exercising we think of vigorous movement, hard-hitting, heel-pounding, loud-drumming, adrenaline-pulsing barely-controlled chaos. Sometimes I like that. Sometimes there is nothing I want to do more than punch something, and look great doing it. Perhaps with a kicking soundtrack. Sometimes that is the best thing in the world. But, the other 75 percent of my time I am really not so into it. I've decided to focus today on how that is OK. We don't all have to be intensely driven adrenaline junkies to be fit. Long walks are very good for you. Think about riding a bike around the neighborhood like you did when you were a kid - for fun and in an explanatory spirit - instead of pursuing a target heart rate like an obsession. I am going to walk to my local exercise-display park today, but instead of sticking to the fast track, in competition with the other walkers, runners, cyclists, and people who are exercising for the sake of being seen exercising, I am going to listen to my most melancholy playlist on my ipod, and explore the woodland paths. And take my time doing it.
In this spirit, I have decided to look into Tai Chi. Why not raise your consciousness while lowering your resting pulse?

Day 10

The whole idea behind this blog is to glorify the stimulus of constant change. But today I want to focus on and glorify routine. Constancy is something to be treasured, if it is a positive habit. One of my treasured constancies is breakfast. It took me a long time to get out of a bad habit with breakfast. I ate sugary cereal and milk, or toast and jelly. That kind of a breakfast is nothing but a sugar crash waiting to happen; it usually did, and when the crash happened I would dive into whatever convenience food was closest. So, I took control over my breakfast. Now I eat a healthy simple quiche, so that it is a protein-heavy and vegetable-laden breakfast. Other positive constancies include my home, the nearby parks that I walk in, and my hobbies. These things make up a positive and fulfilling life.
I have unhealthy habits, but today I am choosing to not think about them as constants. They don't have the honor of being constant. They are simply habits that need weeding out. Think today about what constitutes your routine. Honor and enjoy the happy constants that fulfill you, and observe the high contrast with the unhealthy habits that you might not have noticed before.
Sometimes people have a really hard time with routine. They either can't live with it or can't live without it. I have always been the kind of person who can't seem to get a routine together, and when I do I feel restricted and claustrophobic. I have recently begun to enjoy and appreciate what little routine I do have, and to see how essential it is to know yourself and how you operate. I am reading The Renaissance Soul by Margaret Lobenstine and it is hitting home in amazing ways. Here is a link to her website in case you are the kind of person with many interests and enjoy constant change.

Day 9

Today is just on this side of the half-way point of the year. July 1st is day 182, with 183 days left in the year. July 2nd is day 183, with 182 days left. Today, therefore, is the first full step forward on the lee side. There is a lot ahead of us. Summer. Vacations. Work, or a lack thereof. The days are getting shorter. We have a lot of heat ahead of us, and then a long cool down into the frozen winter. School. The holidays. And then the muted gleam of the end of this year. We have 181 days ahead of us to make something great out of this year. Today we make a list of what we want to make with our remaining time. A mid-year resolution. "Losing weight" will not populate that list. Through a sense of other purposes we will achieve a better self, better self esteem, and a fruitful half-year.